A buddy of mine forwarded me the image below this morning and it gave me a little chuckle.   I’d like to think it was just a joke, but I wouldn’t be shocked if it was real.  Some people just don’t get it…

Sorry I don’t know where the file originated so I can’t credit the source.

Forgot to pick up Halloween candy?  No worries…here are some candy alternatives.

Oh boy.  Halloween is almost here and you still haven’t picked up any candy to give trick or treaters??  Do you want to get your house covered with eggs and toilet paper?

Ok let’s not panic.

I said don’t %#&!%$ panic!!

There are plenty of other things you can give trick or treaters right?  For example…

Who needs artificial flavors when you can have some naturally sweet and tasty fruit?  When the kids give you that look of confusion and disbelief just explain that eating an apple will help clean their teeth of all the candy and snacks they will be feasting on.   Then duck.

It’s a Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown set the precedent, so now you should feel free to give kids rocks instead of candy.  I would suggest quickly dropping a few rocks in each bag and hopefully the trick or treaters won’t even realize they’ve been had until they get home.  But drop them in carefully otherwise it could tear right through the bottom of their bag and the tears will start falling.

What’s the next best thing to real candy?  Pictures of candy! I’m sure you’ve got a few supermarket flyers laying around the house.  Just cut out the pictures of candy and pass them out as a kind of IOU.

Cold Hard Cash! Most kids would be happy to receive a little cash instead of candy so you can’t go wrong here.  But save your old subway tokens and Canadian coins for another time…unless you happen to live in Canada in which case it’s perfectly acceptable, eh.

Since giving out cash can get a bit expensive, you might want to give out unused coupons instead.  Thirty-Five cents off Shake and Bake?  Woo hoo!

How many old magazines do you have laying around the house?  Instead of just tossing them in the trash, give them to some lucky trick or treaters.  You’ll be doing them a favor by getting them to read more…and any magazine with Kim Kardashian on the cover definitely counts as a treat!

Still got some old baseball cards from when you were young?  What kid wouldn’t want his very own Steve Balboni card?

Bacon! Seriously, who doesn’t love bacon??   You’ll have a line around your block as soon as word gets out you’re giving out crispy and delicious bacon.

Finally, for you ladies who are feeling particularly festive, just answer the door in your sexiest Halloween costume.   Just don’t be surprised if all the neighborhood dads start ringing your bell too. 

Happy Halloween everybody!

Are the 2012 End of World Predictions For Real?

A few nights ago my wife and I were scrolling through our FIOS menu looking for a decent movie to watch when we came upon 2012.  I remembered seeing commercials for it when it was in theaters and it sounded like it had some potential so we decided to give it a shot.

Well, it was pretty forgettable.  The special effects were cheesy, the acting was questionable, and the plot had more holes than Blackburn, Lancashire.

But despite the fact that I didn’t really enjoy the movie, I decided to do a little research into the 2012 end of world predictions that have many convinced that life as we know it will end on December 21, 2012.

2012 End of World Scenarios

There are quite a few different predictions about how the world is going to end in 2012, but none of them seem very pleasant.

Some people believe that a rogue planet named Nibiru is going to swoop in from the outer solar system and either smash into the Earth or come close enough to alter our orbit and send us hurtling into the sun (mental note…stock up on sunscreen).

Other versions of the doomsday scenario involve gamma ray bursts destroying the Earth’s magnetic field, a planetary alignment disrupting Earth’s orbit, a 180 degree continental shift that would literally redraw the planet’s maps, comet impacts, and a massive solar flare that would wipe out life on Earth.

All of these scenarios could be absolutely devastating to Earth. But are they really possible? Or are they just crackpot theories with some pseudo-science mixed in to make them sound realistic?

Origins of the 2012 End of World Myths

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…there lived a people called the Maya.  Ok, they actually lived in this galaxy.  In present-day Mexico and Central America in fact.

The Mayans used a calendar that is nothing like the one we use today.  They had many different units of time but the one that is relevant to the 2012 end of world myths was called the baktun.   Part of the long count calendar, each baktun lasted 144,000 days, or almost 400 years!

The 14^th baktun begins on December 21, 2012…and so various end of the world scenarios have sprouted up around that date.

But does the end of the Mayan calendar really mean the world is going to end?

Of course not!  After all, doesn’t our calendar come to an end every December 31?  Do we run around the streets screaming that Judgment Day is coming?   Or do we just whip out our new Far Side desk calendars and move along like any other day?

I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that absolutely nothing unusual will happen on December 21, 2012.   But hey, if I’m wrong and the world is destroyed and humanity is wiped out…I owe you a Coke. 

In the meantime, while we wait for the apocalypse we might as well make good use of our time and learn about stock market news.

If you’re a regular reader you know I like to look for inspiration in unusual places…such as an Adam Sandler movie or old reruns of The Honeymooners.

Today we return to the small screen to look at some of the most memorable TV characters who all have one thing in common.   They’re rich!

Here’s my list of the Top 5 Millionaire Television Characters:

5. Thurston Howell III – Gilligan’s Island

Poor Mr Howell. All he wanted to do was take his wife for a simple 3 hour tour aboard the SS Minnow and he ended up getting stranded on a deserted island with a bunch of strangers. His financial wealth was useless on an faraway island where money had no value (though he did use it to bribe his fellow castaways a few times). It would have been easy for him to focus on the negative and fall into despair, but Mr Howell managed to keep his head up and stay happy despite his troubles.

4. Bruce Wayne – Batman

There have been many versions of Batman through the years, from the campy 1960′s tv show to the more realistic movies starring Christian Bale. But of them all I still think the best was Batman – The Animated Series.

Batman TAS’s version of Bruce Wayne is intelligent, noble, brave, and unbelievably motivated to do the right thing. He could easily sit back and live off his vast wealth but instead he busts his ass training to fight street thugs and super criminals like the Joker and Catwoman. He does more for his community than anyone else, and he does it anonymously. You’ve got to admire him.

3. Charles Montgomery Burns – The Simpsons

I’ve been a fan of The Simpsons from the beginning and one of my favorite supporting characters was always C.M. Burns. As the richest man in Springfield, owner of the town’s nuclear power plant, and Homer’s employer, Mr Burns has always been a regular character. He has rigged elections, stolen a million dollar bill, blocked out the sun to create a monopoly over town electricity consumption, filled his wardrobe using endangered species, and ordered the execution of the Rolling Stones.

His purpose in the show is to represent the stereotypical Big Business that cares only about its own profits. And he fits the role perfectly. Exxxcellent.

2. Scrooge McDuck – Ducktales

I know I’ve written about Scrooge McDuck before, but I really love this character. Scrooge’s rags to riches story shows the power of determination. Scrooge was a poor immigrant from Scotland without a penny to his name, but he used his wits to build an empire unlike any other.

Scrooge is like the Warren Buffett of cartoons. He understands the business world better than just about anyone else, and almost every move he makes is profitable. Of course he never sits still and is always looking for another opportunity. And though he is sometimes tempted by greed, he always ends up doing the right thing. Through it all he never loses sight of what’s really important…his family.

1. George Jefferson – The Jeffersons

George Jefferson should be an inspiration to us all. He grew up dirt poor in the slums of Harlem and moved on up to that deluxe apartment in the sky. He’s a self-made millionaire who started out by opening a small dry cleaning service in Queens. In just a few years his hard work and focus had brought him a whole chain of locations across New York City and a lifestyle most of us can only dream about.

George Jefferson is far from perfect. He’s got a bad temper, fights with his wife like crazy, and often isn’t very nice to people. But deep down inside he has a good heart and helps people when he can. And it is that imperfection that helps us relate to him all the better.

What about you?  Who is your favorite millionaire TV character?

You know the economy is still in trouble when even a Dark Lord of the Sith is struggling to make ends meet…

I saw this pic on a few different sites so I don’t know where it came from originated, but I thought it was funny. 

Okay, I admit it…I’m a bit of a Star Wars nerd. I used to beg my dad non-stop for the newest Obi-Wan or Admiral Ackbar figures. And I completely wore out my VHS tapes of the original trilogy until they were virtually unwatchable (much like any of the prequels when Natalie Portman was not on screen).

So as I sat brainstorming for new ideas to write about, I naturally wondered what the great Lord Vader would do to save some cash.

I mean let’s face it, running a Galactic Empire isn’t cheap. And how embarrassing would it be to call home to Palpatine begging for beer money?

So here you are…Darth Vader’s top 5 tips for saving money:

1. Some of your senior officers nearing retirement age? Not a problem. Just use the force to choke them to death before they’re eligible for retirement benefits. Cha-Ching!
2. Shields are expensive…way too costly to install on tens of thousands of TIE fighters. Replacing pilots killed in action is much more cost effective.  On the other hand, you may want to shell out the cost of shielding exhaust vents on massive, planet-destroying space stations. Especially when they lead directly to the main reactor. I’m just saying.
3. Suddenly realize you made a bad deal and want to get out of it? Just say you’re changing the terms of the contract. Then lean in close, and in your most menacing voice say, “Pray I don’t alter them any further.”
4. Outsource some of your less desirable jobs to some good old-fashioned bounty hunter scum. You only pay when the job is complete, they’re not entitled to benefits, and they don’t even need a company car. Just don’t complain if Boba Fett gets carried away and incinerates someone you wanted alive.
5. No one likes paying for insurance, but it can be a life saver if you suffer a serious financial disaster.  Our favorite Sith Lord used the insurance money from the first Death Star to build a bigger and more powerful version.

There were rumors at the time that Vader took out a huge policy on the first Death Star just a week before it was destroyed…by a handful of out-dated and out-gunned fighter ships no less.  Pretty convenient how he decided to step outside for a smoke just minutes before the whole thing blew, huh?

So after I learned that my wife had somehow backed her minivan over our garbage barrel and turned it into a crumpled piece of plastic, I decided to have a little fun teasing her.   I went over to Says-It.com and made the sign below, printed it out, and taped it up on our garage door.

When she sees it I may be looking for a place to stay for a few nights…anyone have a comfortable couch available?